Monday, December 31, 2012

Secret lover

You are
new
And fun
And your kiss
Pours
A taste
Of
sex and sweet
Like candy
And rum
And wild desire
Your touch
And tongue
Sets my soul on fire

But you are someone who is close to
My last love
The one who broke my heart
The one who spent many years
Keeping us apart
If he only knew
The truth about Me and you
And who
You are
And what you mean to me now


Thursday, December 27, 2012

too late for goodbyes

you dropped me back off at my house right now
5:30 am
time of death
or time of birth?
we spent our last night together
our last few hours
ha it's funny how sad that sounds now
when i look at it in writing 
it makes me even more sad to see it there
and know that it's really over

my love for you isn't gone yet
that will take far more time
than i'd like to admit
and much more time
than i would like for it to
but we all mourn the way we do

i loved you so much more
than i wanted to
maybe more than you
looking up at my wall
to the record clock you made
for me
and the song
"too late for goodbyes"
it hits my heart
makes my insides hurt and yearn and love
and i burn for you
the way we were
back then
i wish we could live that time again
but
i don't think you were ever ready for me
i waited for you but you never came around
 but if i could go back
to the beginning
when we first fell in love
when we first began
and do it all over again
i would
in a hearbeat
i would

but now
it's not too late
for goodbyes

goodbye love...


 

Friday, December 21, 2012

It's the end of the world as we know it

Unclenched fist
Cut The strings
Of (k)nots
Between
You kept a hold on
To keep me on a string
To dangle
stringing along
You were wrong
Tied up and tangled
Hung up and strangled
I was put down
Pulled in
pushed away
All
around
And left somewhere
In the mess
That is you
Sit
Stand
Lay
Stay
Come
go
No
No sorry
No sorries 
You might
Be sorry
But how do you really know
what it is to be sorry
Now
When you were never sorry then
I
Break it off 
And
Bleed it out 
And
Let it go

 don't ever look back
All that's back there
Is  old
And nowhere
A waste of time 
I'd rather waste 
Somewhere else


I dropped you 
Off some deserted road
Some Far away place
Nowhere near my heart
Nowhere to be found.
At the end of the road
At the end of my rope 
Without a sound




;)

And I feel fine





Tuesday, December 18, 2012

These are the days

I wish I didn't exist.
Why?
Haven't you done enough already?




So if this is the end

Why does it feel so much like the end? The world.
Yes the world as we know it

Sunday, December 16, 2012

something stupid about something stupid

i got nothing
everything i got that means a lot
gets shot
down and back at me....
you don't even see
do you want to feel how it feels?
i don't even think
that you think
that you even hurt me
 but you hurt me
----
it's as simple as this
if you wanted my love
and you wanted me
you would show me love
you would have me
if you wanted it to be right
if you really wanted it to be good

then why would you fight
me
and fight my love
you wouldn't.

you can make excuses but the biggest excuse
is you 

if you loved me
i would see it
i would feel it
i would have it
and i wouldn't feel bad
like i do
whenever i am around you

i really wanted it
before it was
what it is
now

i know you're not there
you
have always
not be there

some
things
you
can
never
ever
repair
once broken


.... and that

i am.....
 

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

;)

i may be a light sleeper
but 
I'm a heavy dreamer









 

Friday, December 07, 2012

just a thought

you say such funny things
you don't want to give me the wrong idea
???
you don't want to break my heart
?
nothing against you-
but you can't break a heart that you don't have
no offense
if anything
i would watch out for your own heart
cause
i creep in
maybe slow
you won't even know
it until
one day you do
but i'll be gone
i'm more likely to break your heart
than you are with mine

mine is already broken
damaged goods
beyond repair???

the more i talk 
the less and less
i care

 

sometimes it gets so lonely

sometimes it gets so lonely
i think
i
could
very well
disappear
but then that would be
too easy
and
too comforting
---
maybe tonight
i needed you
more
than
you
know
-
maybe more than you're willing to give
and if it's more than you're willing to give
then you
are
NOT
the one for me
right now

at this moment
i could
cry my
insides out
and pour myself all
over the ground
you walk on
and you wouldn't even notice

to be lonely
in a crowded house
 to be selfish
for once
don't fall in love with me
i'll only disappoint




 

home is where the blah blah blah blah

i can't stay here
this is not
fun
this is not
love
this is not
good
this is like grade school
first day
kind of shit
and people
are hard to
really know
people are hard
to be with
to be around
makes me feel a little sick to my stomach
why do we have to make each other feel
so
small
and unimportant
?????
maybe to make
ourselves feel better
---
the only thing i want
is to feel
like i belong
like i'm at home
and this
is not
that




Wednesday, December 05, 2012

how old you are is not how old you are

i'm 31 years old (and young) today
december 5th
walt disney
little richard
me

ten years ago i spent this day
at hooters
ordering a pitcher of beer
just because i could
then i went to the sex shop down the street
cause i was horny
and after your first alcoholic beverage
in public
legally
makes a just-turned 21 year old
HORNY

that was then
and then hasn't changed much to now

happy mother fuckin' (literally why we celebrate this god damn day for me anyways) birthday ME

happy 31st

age means everything
and nothing
all at once

happy birthday k

you know less now
and were so much older when you were 5




Saturday, November 24, 2012

He's just like my mom

He talks his frustrations out on me
On you
On anyone who will listen or
Anyone who is the room he's in.
What comes out of his mouth
Totally spreads like cancer on everyone around.
"Why does this keep happening"
He asks out loud to no one
But still wanting an answer
I want to say " cause you go into situations with that same shit attitude and you already are thinking the worse. You already set yourself up to fail so then you do"
If I said that he would argue with me
And then we would fight
CAuse he really doesn't want to hear what you have to say
He doesn't really want to change
Unless it takes no effort on his part.
I wish he could see himself like I do
I wish I could see myself like you
We all struggle
We all fail
We all bring each other up at times
We all weigh each other down



"I'm not looking for anything serious"

Well thanks. If you think I was closes off before now I'm forced to be even more. I had limits and too much thought into things that should or could be just natural. People are weird. We want what we can't have and when we can have it we treat it like shit. The funny part is later down the road when we figure out how great it was and when we've finally grow up a bit it quite often is too late. Don't put titles on things. Don't limit yourself whether it be in a relationship or not ready for a relationship. We are where we are and things are as they are and you know what you sign up for. Don't stop something from being in its natural state. Period. If it's not for you then leave it alone. Or let it be.
The minute you put limits on something or someone you end up limiting yourself.
With that said
I let it go.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

i woke up thinking about this

i do not want you
the way you were friday night
was fucking ridiculous
the way you talk to me
and treat me
-
you have no reason for that kind of behavior

i ACTUALLY DO HAVE ENOUGH REASONS
TO LEAVE YOU
WHEN I SEE THAT YOU ARE TREATING ME THE SAME AS ALWAYS

YOU DON'T SEEM TO COMPREHEND WHAT I'VE SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN

SO WHEN I SEE YOU DO THE SAME SHIT AFTER I'VE EXPLAINED IT
AND AFTER I'VE TRIED TO COMMUNICATE- I CAN ONLY THINK ONE THING

that you're a fucking idiot
or something
cause no one
has ever been so dense and thick headed to not understand why i'm at the point i'm at.
I'M FED THE FUCK UP OF YOUR GAMES AND STUPIDITY
 i'm fed up with you BEING SUCH A BABY VICTIM SPOILED BRAT
WHO EXPECTS SO GODDAMN MUCH FROM SOMEONE HE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE BACK TO ON ANY DEEPER LEVEL

you really have some nerve to force your way back into my life for the 1,000th time and then act as if i have no reason to be upset when you act the same way I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT!!!
WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP SHIT IS THAT?
what kind of fucked up "human being" are you????
ha
the nerve of you to act like i'm the problem
YOU ARE THE PROBLEM
BY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THIS PERSON THAT I CAN'T EVEN STAND NOW

HONESTLY I DON'T CARE IF YOU JUST DISAPPEARED AND I NEVER SAW YOU AGAIN
for the first time
with all honestly
i can say that
i would be happy
much happier if you didn't even exist anymore

so call me mean (WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN MEAN TO ME BY keeping me in this STUPID FUCKED UP RELATIONSHIP by making me have hope that it would be different)
so go ahead and try to guilt trip me all YOU WANT
go on and PRETEND THAT YOU'LL BE BETTER
like you always do
WRITE ME A BUNCH OF LIES promising me HOW MUCH YOU'RE be different and try.
but you never do and blah blah blah
i just dislike you

THE POINT IS- you belong far away from me
and i don't want to be anywhere near -you ever again
-
we don't work
and we never will
and NOW
that is fine by me-


READ THIS VERY CAREFULLY if you still do not understand... 

DO I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE?????

YES I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.... FOR GOOD.
I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT THIS TIME. I WANT YOU GONE FROM MY LIFE
ONCE AND FOR ALL-

NOW POOF YOU BETTER BE GONE...
i'm so much happier when you are not around

the end
is the end
of the end

Sunday, November 11, 2012

"i'm dying"

he says
to me
"this is what my days are like"
he's the only  man i trust
and he is the only dad i have
and
he solitude
is killing him
even though
he's the only person
that i truly trust
so if he leaves me
i would
truly
die
inside
and this
is what
i have tonight

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

there are too many like you in this around.

Dating sites aren't for dating anymore
Guys pretend. Girls pretend
You are just another of the same type
on repeat
on feed
You ain't 't anything special
Now
You think you're so good
and  so cool
Or something.
Cause you are up on your high horse
you live with your head stuck up in the clouds
Somewhere
hazy
foggy
cloudy
up there is where
 you can keep the distance of what you want and want you are and who you use.
I'm not interested in someone who isn't very interesting anymore.
And sex when there's nothing else is only so interesting for so long
Until it's not anymore
And when you're not anymore
you're not much different than all the rest
and i can find that

Anywhere
Anytime anyplace
from anyone
that's something
I can do without
You
Or the rest of YOUS
Or them
Or that for that matter
And I matter much more
Than a moment of false lusty lying feelings could ever give by itself.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Noise, noise, and exhaustion.

Dark, dusty flowers roughly fight a small, dead cigarette.
Where is the old street?
Shrink quietly like a dark window
Misty, fast streets calmly buy a dry, noisy light.
Talk calmly like a small jackhammer.
Why does the corner walk?
is anything really new?
Noise, noise, and exhaustion.
the night is addicted to you

Noise, noise, and exhaustion.
Noise, noise, and exhaustion.

never hustle a girl

in the high spaces where the birds call 
found in the broken pulse of time 
bubble cloud air and water mixed 
drought wilted jungle 
listen, quiet, still 
mare's tail, cat's tail 
gasoline 
white flesh 
dust
nothing between her 
drying paint on native skin 
blood becomes timebomb

her eyes on green wave
diffuse fog
hyenas cry in the trees 
orange beak and claw 

sun 
monsoon 
evening flights 
empty crossings 
green 

time claims its victory now  
each is made of dust
trapped in  the constellations 
the dead and green leaves clutter 
vultures waiting for the rust 

stars 
rainstorms 
formless scud 
 
albatross dying 
snake scales lapping snake scales 
transportation for the dead
 
cloud 
feathers 
fingers, arms 
she is turning to stone 
a woman in the branches 
if she falls
faith, desolation, and life.
Noise, exhaustion, and death
 
hot electric storm afternoon 
 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Some people are just assholes

And it breaks my heart
But I can't give them
Any more
Cause they use it and spit it out
And treat others like nothing
So don't come crying to me later
You've destroyed all the good
That I gave you
So many times that I'm giving it to someone else.
You hurt me tonight more than ever.
I thought you would actually be better this time but
You are
Stupid
And never learn
I'm going to do exactly what your behavior would make anyone do
And I don't Care if it hurts you.
You never cared if you hurt me
So I'll do the same
And when you write
I'll just ignore you
Cause you were never worth my time
No one will love you
Cause you're an asshole like so many assholes
So I'm going where I'm wanted and treated like I matter. This time you really fucked this up for good

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

ok

i see no solution
and i feel
like
everything is leaving
me
anyways

i can't do this
day in and day out
it hurts my heart too much
it makes me less than
a person
and i don't even care to keep trying to be one now

i leave it
like it's been left before

it's been fun writing this blog
but it's filled with a bunch of shit that reminds me
that this is not where i belong

take care

i'm bleeding all over my computer right now

the man who gives advice
yet hides behind a mask
or hides behind a computer screen
hides for a reason
an asshole shouldn't give advice on love or meeting girls
we have enough assholes
you're just another face in the crowd
of LAME

assholes in los angeles
are usually not from los angeles
and are originally from
some other state
they give LA a bad name
go take your shit
back home where
you belong


Monday, October 15, 2012

you're a liar

lies
that make you
a spineless
little
boy
too scared to face
me
too weak to say what's really going on
no balls
to say the truth
stammer a bunch of bullshit
until that's all that you are
you don't have the guts to be somebody
you're full of shit
and you play me for a fucking fool
when you're the one who's a tool
i know you're a liar
that's why you like to put it on me
but you're the liar
with no backbone to hold you up
if everyone else holding you up let's go
you wouldn't last a day
be a man
not a pussy
be somebody worth giving a shit about
be someone better
than what you are right now
cause right now
you make me want to vomit
at the sound of your voice
stammering out stupid excuses and lies
to cover up
the things you're too afraid to stand up for in public
yet in private behind closed doors still do
you don't "love" me if you're doing shit that you know you wouldn't like someone to do to you
you make me want to die
cause you won't die
in my life
you keep fucking with me
and showing up
and saying you're sorry
and saying you love me
then doing whatever you want
then ignoring me
then calling me crazy
then asking me over
then fucking me
the using me
then tossing me to the side
then making some excuse as to why you can't be in my life
then ignoring me to the point where i start to move on
then finding me
then hunting me down
only to repeat over and over again
you won't leave me alone
and you take advantage of the fact that i love you
i only let you back in my life so many times cause i loved you
but now
you're fucked
and fucked alone
cause i don't care
how much you cry and try
after it's too late
you make up your mind
to be a dickhead when i needed you
when i was hurting
so you better be able to take what you dish out
cause caring about you
was a waste of time
really...
you are a waste of time
this is the beginning of my life without bullshit like you getting in the way
 

#2 just shave your head already


  comb-overs, how sad
that man looks like a zebra
sir, your head is striped

#1 taste that fucker? my bitter bite


Miserable fiend
Where have you taken my hope?
I really hate you.

stale cigrettes and coffee

infecting whole groups
marches the path to change
something new to discover
please keep it that way
we roar in life
listen to it hum
rejected thoughts and feelings
that change into hard ways
down a path to the great divide
terrorists, bad friends
they always offer
to give lessons

sometimes hidden behind 
a shadow of doubt or dislike
stale cigarettes and coffee
paint a muted color picture

stuck in static 
a shaken moment
in a dull late afternoon
we are the faded faces  
that refrain 
from real
restricted rehearsed removed
ready to drown
ready to strangle life 
ready to choke  heart
endless insomnia
within empty chambers
my eyeballs bleed

we fly around 
til one comes out
chasing the rabbit 

reminds me of something else
Cosmic mystery
Unknowable enigma
blood stains on the carpet
junk emerges from its tin
it's bad medicine

that will save us all
a croaking ghost -
a skeleton dreams of light -
supernatural, dark

a morning eye -
a skeleton may know of death -
dawn, dawn
Under the cover of death 

the spirits speak, 
In the streets of words 

the leaves sleep, 
Under the cover of desire 

the leaves turn,  
Beneath the surface of longing 
the memories breathe,  
On the bed 
of imagination 
the poets mourn,  
Beyond this moment 
of longing  
dreamers speak,  
In the dreams of time
 the waves vanish, 
In the moonless darkness of Winter

 where young ones wander, 
In the air of tears 
the insects fade
Frozen Word taunts me
No escaping this Window
How will I write now?  
how will i write now?

 



Sunday, October 14, 2012

death don't seem so bad

cornered
cut off
cut down
c u
never again
whatever gets you through the night
whatever gets your through this life
whatever until
every thing is used up
everything has been done and
tried
and used before
and your options
well there ain't no more
pushed up against the wall
no one to break your fall
this time
you're
i'm fucked
we're fucked for good

sometimes
it's time
to put up the white flag
surrender
throw up  your hands
throw in the towel
step down
step aside
retire
resign
fold

sometimes the best thing to do is to
give up

i don't have anything else to write
you have made me

this way

 

yeah my hands are shakin'

make a bunch of excuses
up
and pour out
of your insides
inside out
you are
i am
invisible
to your heart right now
want to make me
make you disappear forever?
well you're doing a fine job so far
on your own
make up some lies
cover up some tracks
in your head it makes up for
all that lacks
but the cloud your head is stuck in
is too thick
you can hardly see
the real world through
you don't know how it feels to be handed
a bunch of bullshit on a platter
time and time again
cause my feelings to you don't matter
you show it
and show it
time and time
and time
again
soon you won't be somebody to me
soon you won't even be somebody that once was
you're making me make you into nothing
you're making me erase you from my brain
for good
the only way for me
to stay sane
to stay somewhat sane
after the fucked up shit you put me through
after all the bullshit that makes up you
clean up
wash away
take out the trash
disinfect
the parts you  infected
affected
effected 
  i got no more room
to house
a life sucker
little fucker like you

i piss you goodbye
and watch as i flush you down
where you belong






 

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

It doesn't matter

Slow hand
Shifts
Into
The last hour
I can't let you see
What u have done to me.
I go for the
Vein
And watch
The red
Fall over my eyes
Don't wait for it
Just take it in and let it out.
You were a mistake
That brought me to the
End
I want you to learn
What you do isn't right
You don't love me
I want you to know that you don't know what love is.
Slow hand isn't so slow
And the light
Comes into my head
Like a rush of air
Turned upside down
The end Is always near
To be without fear
That the one you love
Will just hurt you again

Until we meet again as cats.
Goodbye.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Lol

Self awareness will do you some good. Cause the only way to make you be better is to push you away to leave me alone. When I tell you you're hurting me you just keep doing it.
Ok you need some help.
I'm going to be with people who are better and more wise than you. You taught me a lesson on what I never want again.

Tonight

Tonight
After all of this
Im leaving
you
Behind
I'm going to accept love
And leave the excuses and waste if times where they belong.
Down
Below
Just gone.
The good loving caring people are the ones I want.
Not you
No way. You deserve what you are.
And I want you erased from my memory for good. Cause what I'm left with isn't even worth remembering.
Tonight I'm going to be around love and love more cause I am a reflection of my surroundings.
Anything that has to do with you
Doesn't exist
So I'll be on my way
This is where you end and I begin.

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Another thing

I wasn't talking shit
Everything I wrote was true.
Now it's too late
I can feel that's it gone.

Friday, October 05, 2012

Back on track

830am morning detox yoga with Aimee for one hour
Chakra Meditation for 45 min
Now it's 11 am and I feel wonderful and ready to startup day.
;)
I think late night adventures mixed with morning yoga and meditation have made me remember the good things and everything else falls behind

Certain things just are not important to me anymore.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

never again

i spent the last two years involved with someone who was the worst kind of manipulator and user i've ever dealt with.
basically i spent the last year thinking i was the crazy one because he was so good at pointing fingers, judging my behavior, obsessing over my actions etc. just to avoid dealing with himself. i allowed it cause i was really trying to make it work for the majority of the "relationship"
what i see clearly now is he got involved with me - knowing my situation and how i was still living with an ex. we both continued to see each other and we both allowed it to develop into something much deeper and much more intimate. the more serious we became with each other the more i tried to make what started as unhealthy - healthy. i brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends. i shared other parts of my life with him and tried to include him into my life because of how special he was to me. he didn't do any of that in return. even with knowing how important it was to our relationship and how much better we would be in the long run... he never let me in. he always kept me away from the rest of his life yet had to know every aspect of mine. when i would express how his actions made me feel he would always have some excuse to justify why he couldn't give back what he could so easily take. this is when i began to feel rejected and unimportant... and not good enough. i didn't feel that way going into the relationship... i felt this way as a direct result of his behavior towards me. then it became this relationship where he would expect so much from me sexually when he needed or wanted me... but would fight me and never give even a little bit of what i needed in return.  i'm sorry but that would make any sane person go crazy after awhile. the worst part is that he would keep saying "i love you" and showing me mixed signals. the more i wanted to just be a part of his life the more he made me feel like i had done something to not deserve that. i started feeling like it was my fault he was scared to bring me around.
what a crock of shit
he made this whole thing become so shitty
and so one sided
that i felt alone
and when i would express my feelings
he would turn them into my issues.
he would only point out my problems. he diagnosed me and began treating me as if i had a disorder. still without looking or changing anything within himself. he started using his diagnosis of me as a reason why he needed space and blah blah blah.
ALL OF THIS SHIT HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF
ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT HE MANIPULATED ME INTO BELIEVING WAS MY FAULT CAUSE I'M THE CRAZY ONE.
now that he's not in my life... and i see things more clearly... i see how insane he is.
this is how he was even before i started camming... but camming was just another excuse to put all the blame on me.
why would i want to be with someone who's in such denial?
clearly he's the crazy one. 
cause anyone with a heart and a mind would see that all this bad shit was made so much worse because of him. he really needs to get some psychological help. i just wanted to finally get all this shit off my chest.
after 2 years of dealing with zack - it's nice dealing with people who are normal and sane. i will never let someone who's bat-shit crazy tell me i'm the one who's crazy. ha...
goodbye

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

vanilla milk shake dog

your message
was stupid and pointless

and a waste of my time

i don't like you anymore
not even as a person or a friend
ha
you're not either of those

your ego is all that's left of you now

and i do not miss you

your message reminded me of how
lame
you and your words you hide behind are

excuses
the same excuses

i don't miss you or what you're about at all
waste of time and
care
and love

i've never felt that way about anyone else but you
but
you don't try
you don't help
you just make the same excuses and do the same thing
yet SAY that you're trying and blah blah blah
who cares?
i don't anymore.

not for you

not

ever

again



i have nothing to lose (written sometime long ago today many years apart but now)

(this was written - what seems like now- so long ago)

no matter what you think
or despite whatever has transpired over the last few months
i can honestly say
that
you were my love
like no one else
you made me feel
 like every human being
especially adult human being should
again
like a child
like a newborn
like pure
spirit
like life
alive
like love
pure love
should
feel.
and i would risk anything
and give up anything
and trade in anything
to have you here
again
cause i love you
and i miss you
and i love you
and we are more together
than anything
or any one
past
present
or future
could ever
 understand
the worst feeling in the world
is the emptiness
and the space
that remains from your abscense
god
fuck
this is the worst feeling
cause there's nothing i can do
to change it
now
i love you
i've loved you from the moment i first set eyes on you
...
but i know
i know this is
what it is
and i know
that there is nothing i can do
but write
it all out
cause my voice is silent
when it comes to your ears
and what it hears
and my cries and tears
don't even exist in your world 
your world
ha
i don't even know your world
and i never will

i
never
 fucking
 will....






Monday, September 24, 2012

don't

don't bother me
with you normie
talk
and shit
ha!
it's funny until it's not.
do you think about what you say
and
how you say what you say
before you say it?

probably not
unless it's your goal
to act like a prick

well maybe you should think a little more about how you come off to others that are not like you

 

Friday, September 21, 2012

i saw you last night

you came to me in my dreams last night
i woke up to find myself crying inmy sleep
and in the worst pain
i've ever felt in my heart
confused and alone
i call out to you
but i have no voice
and it doesn't matter anyway
you don't hear me
and you don't care
you were right there with me in my dreams
but you were a million miles away
and all i could feel was the space
and the ghost of you that lingers
and the emptiness
and solitude  
that feeling has stayed with me all day
it's something i cannot shake

you can forget me all you want
but mark my words
you will feel the way i feel someday
not a curse
just a fact of life
and when you do you'll think of me
and this moment right now
will actually be
so long ago
and this time i'll be the one 
who's  a million miles away





Tuesday, September 18, 2012

what can i do

in the wake of the night
in the shadows of your step
i await the devil of a man
who returns again and again
i await the madness of a woman
who screams
a scream that still lingers
inside my head and  inside  my heart
the things we do to ourselves - to keep the punishment alive
the things we think and feel
and believe about our own selves
are just the thoughts and feelings
that others made and pushed upon us

we were taught to believe the lies we now believe are true
fear lies
truth loves
but we forget what is true
we once knew
deep down
now replaced
with doubt
and anger
and insecurities
and unhappiness
all comes from fear 
and
we didn't know good
never treated with care
we were surrounded by fear and sadness
we were rejected by the rejected
we were the neglected
and abandoned
we were the ones left behind

Friday, September 07, 2012

earth shakes

that earthquake
tonight
was telling me
 and everyone  else
that all that shit
we hold onto and hang on to
LET IT GO
all that shit and all those people
IT don't mean a thing
if it's not in the here and now
it doesn't mean a god damn thing
sometimes mother nature has to shake things up
in order to wake things up

i'm alone
but not for long
i think i've been alone long enough

this is the end of the beginning
and the beginning of the end
and so on and so forth

i'm not waiting around for anything
or anyone anymore






Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Swan song

I step outside
To take it all in
This is the only good that i know right now
Air
And sky
And the night
And the moon and stars
I will leave with the good memories I have
Even though they are far from my life now
You cared about finding me guilty
More than you cared about me
I'm just the girl
You didn't really love
You lusted after
And that's all you have left me with
The emptiness of your absence and the worthlessness from your words.
If you knew how bad I felt you might have done things a little different
But you didn't
And this isn't about you anymore
This is about the beauty of
goodbye
The grace in the last moment
I am here.
Sometimes you get so alone that it just makes sense
Thank you Bukowski
I will miss you the most

being alone never felt so alone



























the strangest of the strange...

the strangest of the strange...
...i am

star loves the beatles too

star loves the beatles too
yeah i love the beatles too
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