being alone never felt so alone

i don't know what i would do without my distractions

had to leave

had to get out of the head i was in

and the only place to go

was back

to the start

back home

go home

home to me

wherever that may be

saw a friend

and throughout the day - a few more

distractions keep me alive

in a crowded room

i found you again

i saw you again

tonight

and when other things

i once knew

fade and die

all around me

your face in a room of many

fills the space

another left empty

and that

tonight

 is all

i need to get by.

it makes the others die

while i am distracted by something else

and that something else

right now

is

you.

sometimes i feel like a motherless child

in darkness
alone in a room
alone in a crowd
alone
in darkness
is where i've spent most of my days
crying mad
crying like a child
aware and afraid
and alone
and it hurt - so bad
my heart and my soul and my everything-
hurt so bad-
i hurt so bad trying hard not to
trying hard to connect
trying hard to find connections to something -
to anything in this fucking world.
feeling all the time like i just didn't belong
feeling like no one wanted me
i didn't even want me anymore.
the most of me just wanted to die.
and death consumed me
obsessed with the idea of wanting to die
obsessed with the fear of actually dying
afraid of why