Friday, December 25, 2009

ten years

there is no one 

i feel the space 
in the same clutter 
i've carried around for years
in a different place
but i feel the missing
i feel the shadows of 
the strangers i use to know
all i have 
are just some jumbled memories
all in pieces
fall in pieces

pieces in my mind
comes out of darkness
sometimes from the music
sometimes in a smell
i can remember pieces of the past
puts me right back to where i was at that moment
only for a moment  

only for a feeling 
associations remain

in bits of my life then 
long gone

feels so long ago

went by so fast
now i am left with the ghost
of things 
of time
and the feelings that linger
some things i long for
some things i wish never to return

some things i wish never went away
some things i regret
i didn't know then
i know less now
and who i am changes more
the more time passes

i am alone again
alone now with years
and memories
that make me feel more alone than ever
i long for the love
i let go
i wasn't ready for

i long for the love 
that i let die
only now can i see how careless i was

and it makes me sad
when i think of all the things that are gone
some gone for good
people that have left me
people that have left the world
if i only knew then
how special it all was
if i only knew then
what i had...
---  maybe

in days to come 
i will know what i have
when i have it

people are careless
i see how careless i am

after it's gone 
i see how careless i've been

the last ten years of my life

was a whole other life time
the last ten years 
now come to its end

where i came from
where i've been is so far from me now
it is time to start a new

where i'm going? 

i won't know until i get there
sometimes i only know once i've gone 

alone with the pieces 
waiting around the corner

for something to begin again

Thursday, December 24, 2009

time on my side

it took some time to get over the sad part of breaking up.  now it's been a little while and i've had time to think about everything.  i've had time to go out and self destruct. i even ran into a few of your friends which was good and bad but helpful. one of your friends told me how you bring anything and everything and have been fucking like crazy. that part i could care less about cause we're not together anymore. what really hurt (but i knew deep down) is how you've been fucking the one person i trusted. she even talked to me like she gave a shit. people fuck up in relationships. it's the nature of them but you have never been faithful or good to anyone really. you wondered why i was get so mad at you --- it's because you never really acted like a boyfriend. we were together and you would just do things that made it so hard to like you as a person. i felt disrespected - lied to - unimportant and i always felt like i couldn't trust you. you are not someone i can trust. you cheat and you lie and you have demons far more dangerous than i think you realize and way too destructive for anyone to ever really be with you. you acted as though you were sooooo good and i was the one that treated you like shit. i loved you and you trashed my heart and my good and i have nothing good to keep from our "relationship" breaking up with you was the best decision i ever made. i just wish i never wasted time with you to begin with. what we had wasn't good. you are not made to be the monogamous type. you can't just be friends with anyone either. you can't help it but i feel really relieved that i don't have to deal with you anymore. yup... the end .

Monday, December 14, 2009

all is lost - eh

 do you see me? 
do you even care
you left me broken hearted 
i belong nowhere--
the end of it all 
the end of my days
the end of my love
in nowhere nothing stays

you have your fun in numbers
too many you've loved in vain
now i know i'm one of the many
the rows of tracks that line your train
but i am nowhere near you now
soon i won't think of you no more
but you will miss the love i gave you
when you are with a new whore 

Saturday, November 28, 2009

i'm a fuck up

you don't try
and that makes me feel lower than scum
you don't try or care like you once did...
i miss that desire in you
i miss the attention
i miss you wanting me.
i am not as cold
i am not as distant-
there's no reason to be that way
but you are
maybe because i've always been there
wanting you
giving you the attention
i've always been there when you have come and gone
and come back around again

you've always had me
you don't know what it's like to not have me
i know how little you try
how little patience you have if any
you hurt me too
and i've been there
--- i feel like a piece of shit with how you treat me
i'm a fuck up but
i'd rather spend my time somewhere else
bang bang baby

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

moving on...


there won't be a next time... cause i got nothin' left anymore

you left this today
and i'm not going to stop you
i've tried all i can try
but i can't make you be more loving
or understanding right now.
right now you are not and when you are not
you forget who i am and
you forget that i mean something more to you
and that i deserve a little more now
i deserve patience -
i talk to you
i tell you how i feel
but you treat me as if i don't
and as if i'm careless and mean.
escaping is what you love to do
i've been bitten by you way too many times
and stuck through with you
you act as if i am just a bitch for no reason
you make it seem like you do nothing wrong
i've had enough
this time i'm okay with you leaving
i won't ask you back
i won't say sorry
you made that choice
it's for the better.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

you keep the devil between us

got fucked up
and passed out
that's the same excuse i hear
everyday that is what you did the night before
that is why you didn't the night before
that is why you weren't the night before
that is why you can skip out on
being there
being present
being a part of helping our relationship
instead of hurting it
like you're hurting me
what keeps me
i don't know

Friday, October 09, 2009

i don't care to see you anymore

I've always been around
now I'm going away
i need to be away
from you
I'm lost tonight.
so fucking lost.
i feel so alone
but i know this is the only way for right now.
in the comforts of my bathroom
the only place i feel safe
the only room with lock on the door
i run the water of the bathtub
i listen
i start to cry
the sound of water speaks to me
in times like these
it's all i have and all i know when i need to escape
and even though
I'm a mess right now inside my heart
for some reason
i know i will be okay
--- without you -- i will be fine
i don't feel you with me anymore
i don't think you ever really were
not really anyways...
now less than ever
i just know that having you be this way again
has done something to me
i see you differently now
the way i feel about you has changed

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

i belong to no one

ugh... american idol... and a milkshake...
i'd like to forget about him. i don't even want to talk about my feelings anymore.
i don't think i have any sometimes... not real ones anyways.
i'd like to.
i'd like to be like all the rest of the stupid bitches
i'm a stupid bitch sometimes
but not like you
or you...
i think i'm the worst kind of stupid bitch there is... it consumes me at the worst times... like in the middle of american idol.. and a milkshake.
i could be a stupid bitch like you... again...
i could jump beds and bodies..
and show my cunt to the world...
you'd like my cunt wouldn't you ? ???...
if i only could be that way again
I'd fuck them all
I'd fuck them with grace
I'd fuck them hard over
and in between all the fucks I'd sit back and laugh...

last night i waited at the bus stop
just to see that i was right.
and he is what he is

just as much of a liar as i am... if not more.

i think more...
he only hides it better than i do.
he hides it well.
he believe it well..
and i don't really care anymore...

i just wanted the satisfaction of knowing that he's just as much of a piece of shit
as he says i am.

the sweetest of the sweet - a memory of we

in you room
on your bed
i am driven to write
in the early hours of morning
i find myself in love with you
you sit in the chair that sits between
your desk and me
you dig through your many tapes of sound art and soul
a record of time and creation
you shuffle through the collected pieces of you
you start
press play/ stop/fast foward/ play
stop turn over
play once more.
i can't help but watch and enjoy
as you enjoy remember excite
i listen as you shuffle through
stop play
....... NOISE
a sound attack in the very best way
the sound of the devil and god leap out from the tiny speaker of your ancient machine.
i can feel your fire
i am so in love with you
--- ...yes but something about you and us
and we - leaves me uneasy
a feeling i can't seem to shake
feeling with and without at the same time
i listen to your songs
and continue to write
pen and paper and breath is all i got right now

stop fast foward
collected pieces of you

“I’m losing you” – john lennon

Here in some stranger's room
Late in the afternoon
What am I doing here at all?
Ain't no doubt about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Somehow the wires got crossed
Communication's lost
Can't even get you on the telephone
Just got to shout about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Well, here in the valley of indecision
I don't know what to do
I feel you slipping away
I feel you slipping away
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Well now, you say you're not getting enough
But I remind you of all that bad, bad, bad stuff
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Just put a bandaid on it?
And stop the bleeding now
Stop the bleeding now

I'm losing you
I'm losing you
Well, well, well

I know I hurt you then
But hell, that was way back when
Well, do you still have to carry that cross? (drop it)
Don't want to hear about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you
Don't want to lose you now
So long ago

Monday, June 01, 2009

And the love that I feel … is so far away

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

and the love that i feel is so far away
Current mood: exhausted

i don't ever want to feel like this again.
i just don't know how to be a person
i don't like the feel of my skin
i don't like the sound of my voice
or what comes out.
it's not natural.
it's not really me.
in me there's so much love.
but i don't love myself. i don't know how to love myself.
i hate myself inside.
and i'm slipping again... like before.
i didn't learn a thing.
i'm just so stupid...
i feel so used.
all that i can do is walk away right now.
and stay away
this time for good.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

i wish i was dead

never felt like this
you don't want me anymore
i don't even want me
is this me?
who am i?
love has me in pieces
in places in pieces
so many some have faded to dust
into dust
like our love
you fade too
if you knew
what i knew inside
maybe you could see what i see
and feel what i feel
but you
only know you
and i fall down as i listen to you speak
saying the words that break me ever more
i am broken fragments on the floor
step and crush and stomp all over me
until i am no more
i don't want to be with this
all i wanted was you
all i ever wanted was you
your love
i had
but now for me
you don't feel the same
like you had before
you change quickly and
i'm left without
i don't want to be
don't care to be
don't care
don't care
want out
want dead
i wish i were dead

the strangest of the strange...

the strangest of the strange...
...i am

star loves the beatles too

star loves the beatles too
yeah i love the beatles too