Tuesday, October 02, 2012

never again

i spent the last two years involved with someone who was the worst kind of manipulator and user i've ever dealt with.
basically i spent the last year thinking i was the crazy one because he was so good at pointing fingers, judging my behavior, obsessing over my actions etc. just to avoid dealing with himself. i allowed it cause i was really trying to make it work for the majority of the "relationship"
what i see clearly now is he got involved with me - knowing my situation and how i was still living with an ex. we both continued to see each other and we both allowed it to develop into something much deeper and much more intimate. the more serious we became with each other the more i tried to make what started as unhealthy - healthy. i brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends. i shared other parts of my life with him and tried to include him into my life because of how special he was to me. he didn't do any of that in return. even with knowing how important it was to our relationship and how much better we would be in the long run... he never let me in. he always kept me away from the rest of his life yet had to know every aspect of mine. when i would express how his actions made me feel he would always have some excuse to justify why he couldn't give back what he could so easily take. this is when i began to feel rejected and unimportant... and not good enough. i didn't feel that way going into the relationship... i felt this way as a direct result of his behavior towards me. then it became this relationship where he would expect so much from me sexually when he needed or wanted me... but would fight me and never give even a little bit of what i needed in return.  i'm sorry but that would make any sane person go crazy after awhile. the worst part is that he would keep saying "i love you" and showing me mixed signals. the more i wanted to just be a part of his life the more he made me feel like i had done something to not deserve that. i started feeling like it was my fault he was scared to bring me around.
what a crock of shit
he made this whole thing become so shitty
and so one sided
that i felt alone
and when i would express my feelings
he would turn them into my issues.
he would only point out my problems. he diagnosed me and began treating me as if i had a disorder. still without looking or changing anything within himself. he started using his diagnosis of me as a reason why he needed space and blah blah blah.
ALL OF THIS SHIT HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF
ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT HE MANIPULATED ME INTO BELIEVING WAS MY FAULT CAUSE I'M THE CRAZY ONE.
now that he's not in my life... and i see things more clearly... i see how insane he is.
this is how he was even before i started camming... but camming was just another excuse to put all the blame on me.
why would i want to be with someone who's in such denial?
clearly he's the crazy one. 
cause anyone with a heart and a mind would see that all this bad shit was made so much worse because of him. he really needs to get some psychological help. i just wanted to finally get all this shit off my chest.
after 2 years of dealing with zack - it's nice dealing with people who are normal and sane. i will never let someone who's bat-shit crazy tell me i'm the one who's crazy. ha...
goodbye

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