go away - i don't want your shit love

i deleted your number
and all the messages
your hot and cold
back and forth
here and there
really hurts me.
with little explanation of why
-other than that is who you are-
yes, it is who you are
...when it comes to me
and
i see it as i am not the one for you-
to grow close only to be pushed apart
leaves me feeling unwanted - unimportant --- like nothing
like i don't matter to you -the way you matter to me
and it's now in your distance
that i need to move on.

tremble on...

Audacious- timorous
overt- covert
vacuous- sententious
virtuoso- tyro
ambiguous- perspicuous
loyalty- apostasy
?
back &
forth
&          back
back to back
back to front
back to lack          
stack the rack
with
L
 a
   C
      K.
Back to Yak.
Fade to Black
on track to
N O N E

got daddy issues

you remind me of my father.

work your way
up up up
so you don't have to be around

greg the pickup artist

you...
pick up
stick up
flick up
the next girl
and over
over again...
i can't trust
i can't lust
i must
get you away
from me.
today is through
yesterday and few
those times i knew
who you are
and what youve always been.
i can't trust this
i can't trust you.
period.
exclaimation point!!
!!!

!

you won't read this
(i'm glad)
all this words you'll miss
lips i want
but
don't want to kiss
You make me sick
(dick)
(lick)
you trick.

ha

no more

goodnight.
the end.

won't let me forget

in the present time
in the things i do
situations i encounter
feelings i encover
people i meet
in most of every thing that happens now in my life
my past is there-
to haunt
to remind
to grow
to teach
to destroy
and even if the past is long gone
and many years away
we can never forget our own
no matter how hard we try
it's there
it won't let us forget
it's there
it's there in the in between time
it's there the spaces
it's there in the silence
and in the voices and
faces and music
it's there in the life of today
at times it creeps in without warning
it knocks me down
i break like a little girl
i cry like a child
i am not prepared
i cannot deal
- for years i try to push it away
i run from it... ignore that it's there
ignore and block any and all associations
and for years i didn't- i couldn't
listen to certain music
go to certain places
see certain places
because all were just a painful reminder of him and that time
i couldn't deal with it
but no matter how much you try and no matter how many years you run from it- sooner or later you have to learn how to deal with it- it's either facing it or it slowly killing you.

 

the ghost of my friends

This is not a prison.
This is a trap.

I am the bait.

___________________________________________________________

Having balls is a good thing
having raw passion is a good thing and a rare thing.
To have both passion AND balls is what makes someone great.

I miss the great ones
I miss the lovers
and the dreamers/creators
I miss the artists
I miss the tortured souls- the poets...the journeymen ...
and I mean the real ones
the real risk takers
the real love makers
the ones that do what they were born to do
unafraid of being who they really are
the ones that live for what they love
and the ones that love to love.
it has nothing to do with image
and everything to do with heart and soul
and pure being
I miss the truth in them
I miss their passion
I miss having them around
I miss them knocking at my bedroom window at 3am
driven by desire
driven by love
and...That feeling -
that wonderful feeling of hope and wonder
and the excitement in life and love

I miss the fire

it's my time now

i've been breaking

piece

by

p

iec

e...

....

..........
for awhile now.

pieces inside

pieces scattered all

over

the floor

all over the ground
pieces of pieces
found all around

pieces shattered -

pound by pound

each step

each walk

walk on -walk over

walk through
walk in

walk I-N-G
down the road to bust

pieces turn to dust

and fade to dust

fin
to sweep - to shape- to shift

in line w
remove(d) from

then to disappear

breathe in
then out to

just disappear

i am many pieces

my many pieces of grain
without wax
all in wane

it is time for the run
it is time for the howl

shiver shake to pieces
move

transpire

i can feel it leaving mei can feel it slipping

i can feel it being taken

like every joy

every moment

every person

every love

every piece.like losing everything

all over - alone again.listen

i hear

the sound

of screaming

babies

mother -less- child -less-

endless

hopeless...

less and less

yes... soon i will be gone

it's almost time for me to leave

leave behind the army of sharks
&sheep

it is my time now to sleep

years later you will forget all about me

in some ways you already have.

what damaged goods

2:37 am
it's the nights like this that really shake me up.
with my bedroom window open
the air is sharp and i want it to rain
it's nights like this where i really see what i'm made of -
it's like i'm standing on the edge
always on the edge
ready to jump
fall? ready to fly away.
how could i feel something so strong  just a week ago
only to lose it now- like it was never there.
a trick i was taught at an early age?
most likely.
and when i think about it for a minute...
it makes me kinda sad that i wish i could feel it again
but it's gone.
yes... that one is gone forever
and i am here
dancing on my edge of the night
ready to jump fall leap fly whatever
ready to dance the only way i know how
it's the nights like this
that i live for.

don't let the shit people bring you down

deal with the shit heads
head on you're a part of what makes the scene
and whether you like it or not
you are a part of the party
you are a part of the group
don't think you have some kind of control over those people
cause in the waiting room
in the waiting line
they creep in
they suck you dry
they are leeches
and it shakes your head
rattles your walls
-
some people are stronger
most people just look strong in the line of fire
what's funny is that those people aren't really strong
they just don't care
they don't think about what is good and what is toxic
they like the party
they like the attention
and for a time being they feed off it.
they eat that shit up
- but

sad sorry sundays

another sob story
slurred words
(?) lacking form
lacking meaning
sloppy jumbles of
meaningLESS
MESS
and the more said
equals less
and
less.
drunk
drink
drank
drop
drip drip drip
drop
slop!
tape (that pie hole)
shut
shit
shoot it down
where did you go?
where was i when you left?
i stare at the table
i stare at you
mouth open
spit spatting everywhere
spilling sob stories
sad silly stories
all that's left of you

monsters move mad

i'm part monster
more monster than you know
i don't ever know what lies--
--inside skin
inside me--
devil(s) hide love-
and lurk high
inside my mind.
my monsters
and my devils hide well.
one may not find them
or know them
no one knows them like i do.
they remain in silence
quietly
they brew

what am i to you? seriously?

what am i to you?
looking around
i see
everyone -is - something
to you...
or has been
to you -
at some time or another-
and i don't want to be
somewhere on your list of many
i don't want to be
mixed up in the masses
i don't want to be
one of the ones lost between the pages
lost between the lines
lost somewhere between the in between days
i don't want to be just a name or face
if i can't be the one
i'd rather just say fare thee well-
and think of it as just another slip
another slip up
i need to clean up
another bad mark
to mark down in my book
it was fine while it lasted
less fine thinking that i mean nothing to you
-good sex if anything
i'd rather just leave you with all your others
the new mornings
of a new dawn
i'd rather leave you
and forget
the memory of us -
and all the secret nights
hidden shadows
i'd rather forget-
the memory of you and i
must leave
so i can move on
and take it as a lesson learned
c'est la vie---

silly

i talk a lot of shit
cause i can
and i will
cause i'm right
and i'm smarter and i been through it and i'm right and smarter
and you are a silly little thing
so clueless you doing what you do because you think it's the right thing to do.
the difference between me and you
is i know more
and things are what they are
get lost as long as you can get yourself back since i know where i stand i know where to land

it's what you do

i'm a whore

i'm a bitch

i'm a taker

i'm a faker-

i'm a liar

i'm addicted

i'm a loser

i'm a user.

i'm a pig

i'm a waste
i'm a fool
i'm a tool.

i'm a monster
i'm a cunt
i'm a flake
i'm a big mistake.
i'm a leech
i'm a fUck
i'm a sinner
i'm a game
i'm a shame
i'm a slut
i'm a loner
i'm a pain
i'm a soul stripper
i'm a day tripper
i'm a spare tire
i'm a one night stand
i'm a nobody
that you really hate...
but LOVE to use.

have some soul would ya please?

please people-
have some fucking soul man
don't be afraid to go out there and get what you fucking want
take what you love
love what loves you
but don't get lost in the things in life
that seem too good
too good
too true
too good to be true?
too anything
things change
people change
and it never is what it was
or what you want
or what you think you need
fuck searching for the "perfect one"
who doesn't exist as perfectly as you'd like
shit... stop searching for the one period
it's all possible
but don't expect it to save you
or fix you
or make you happy
don't expect anyone to be able to control that
you find good people . who are what they are
human
but honest, trustworthy and loyal
and you stop thinking about
all the things you don't have
and stop thinking so much about
something that was made up in your own head- many years ago - that gave you some kind of hope- that gave you some kind of way to deal
even if it was unhealthy
stop looking
stop worrying
stop pretending
stop wasting
the time is now
you are there
i am here
and it doesn't last forever

yuck
FUCK- THE ONE

who reads this shit?

don't get too lost in all i say-cause at the time i really felt that way----

i get fucked over
by you
and i love it
to hate it
to love it
to hate YOU
.FUCK!
can't stand you
and your (mom)ha...
FUCKED UP SHIT.
fuck yeah i'm angry
fuck yeah i like it!
i love to feel all turned
upSiDe Down
love to feel all turned
upSIDE round...
LOVE to feel it when i hit the ground
love the feeling
from lost to found
love to lose me in the sound
feel it
take it
shake it
make it
even break it!
feel it up baby
it's the only thing to feed
it's the only thing i really need
sigh*
i want to scratch your fucking eyes out
i hate your pretty face

blood veins burst my bloody eyes

itchy
sticky
runny
eye...
wet -dry
- wet- dry

cat hair
and dust
cat hair
and rust
in the air
everywhere

written words
write shit
right now
writing
now i don't know how
shit shit shit piss piss piss piss
i need a cigarette
oh yeah
i got goo on my hands
and lust in my heart
ready for another
THE NEXT!...
to rip me apart

she could steal, but she could not rob

you get what you want
but they don't really want you
and
in
the
end
it will be you
washed up
used up
used everyone
/everything up
old
wrinkled
with a tally of millions
you keep track of on the wall
a reminder of the only good you've ever felt about yourself
when you had a pretty face you could push on people
just so they would be around you
even though you have nothing real and no one real and nobody by your side
you were born with a silver spoon handed to you
but it didn't make you a person of worth.
born this way
die this way.


you are the hopeless type that will never change

flip flop

audacious- timorous
overt- covert
vacuous- sententious
virtuoso- tyro
ambiguous- perspicuous
loyalty- apostasy
?

back &

forth
& back
back to back
back to front
back to lack
stack the rack
with
l
a
C
K.
Back to Yak.
then GOES
TO
N O N E

a night with the cat lady

drunk drunk drunk

no more mini vans
no more cat ladies
no more crying and late night angry walks
no more
no more mini skirts
when i'm walking on sawtelle
olympic
from west l.a. to hollywood
no more boyfriends
no more
no more sex
and "i love you"and the fourth of july GONE and went to shit
and then no more whiskey
or bourben
or energy drinks
or late night talks
no more
no more more
and more
or more
no
noe
know
now.....good night
mother fuc kers
yupp
i'm drunk.
yupp

what a mistake

sunday night... was a mistake.

same with tuesday or was it wednesday... ???

???

whatever... same thing.

MISTAKE.

friday was fucked

drowned in drunk (in drink)

and drank myself sick.

made meaningless

(dirty)(sloppy)

drunk calls

talked some shit on the way out of the bar.

mistake... it's been forever and a day since i've gotten that wasted

.and now i'm done.

done with the drinks(ha)

done with the men that don't excite

bore

whore
fall face to floor

... no

more...

*sigh*

the last thing i’ll ever write about you

Current mood: crushed

in passing through the night-
through the dark-
it only takes a moment for you to pull me in---
this isn't something i asked for
or maybe i did (long ago)
but i didn't ask for you
and i didn't want to feel this now
i'm thrown into this
somehow
and
i feel myself falling in
falling for
i feel myself wanting more
but tonight is the end
you know-this is where i stand
with my heart in my hand....
with my soul on my sleeve
it is now time for me to leave
-all i can do
all i can say
my words- my feelings
myself
will too soon fade away

this is the last thing i will ever write about you.

losing it

Current mood: disgusted

i don't feel beautiful

i feel like a fraud

like an old maid

waiting for death

unable to show

anything

i can't get it together

i don't feel free

i feel trapped

wrapped -up

in the web

of destruction

and pain

i look at myself now

and see nothing

i look at myself and see what i once was

what i could have been

and that part of me is so far away

untouchableuncontrolableunobtainable

master of make believe

i knew this day would come at last
i lived waiting for the end to come in fast
waiting for it -waiting from you
you handsome devil and the harm you can do
i knew better than get too close
i had little to nothing for you
but somewhere in between sheets and bodies turned upside down
turned hearts around
and waiting for the end
begins to start
soft sweet dangerous skin
didn't even see you creep on in
in the back of my mind i know i'm just another girl
one more notch on your belt
one more link on your chain
then jump on out with the next passing train
you kind ain't my kind.
you charmed my ass blind
yes mister man... you are good. so very good at what you do
sweet talker fast walker
you get around
but it still didn't stop me til then
and when
i got lost looking for you
looking all around
it was then that i found
only an empty space
a fleeting face
not even a sound
in a silent forgotten room
with just the shadow of a friend
-only playing pretend
the makings of an end.
leaking hearts
dancing in echoes
i dance alone
the only remains of you
remains unknowna
the master of love 'em and leave
you are the king of make believe

lame

you and i hanging out in a social enviroment
is just that.
period.
i'm not your date
i'm not your anything.
besides
you are a sloppy drunk
a meesy slop
drunken mess.
spilling and tripping
all over and about.
you were the one who wasn't fun.
i was being friendly
because you were acting friendly
now you're acting a fool
who the fuck do you think you are?
leaving me stupid messages- like you have any right to say anything about me
you act like a child
you have no clue how to act around people
you're too much to handle
and everyone gets tired of you