I didn't change

You did
You will see
Maybe I changed after the change in you
But all I know is that I could love you still
If you weren't so mean
I still love you still
You can have your mean
And I will move on
Again

I...

I love you. I just do. You're so many wonderful things.
Period

I love you.

Oh yeah!

I'm awesome. Oh yeah. And so is this life. Oh yeah. And certain people. Oh yeah!!! Fuck yeah! Amen!

Disappointment

Why is it that the minute I start to open my heart to someone - they shit all over it?
I'm going to keep my distance from now on. It's better this way.

Old

I don't feel well.
I think I may be getting sick
I know I'm getting old
Ugh
Somebody bring me some love
And a Kambucha
And give me softies
Oh yeah I need someone to come here and give me softies

i did what i had to do

whatever gets you through the night
it's alright
it's alright

the little things aren't so little

tonight it's pretty clear
who really cares 
and who does not...
i'm sitting across from him
as i write this
in his room
as he paints
and this is exactly where i want to be
this means more to me
than most of the last three years have
cause i look at who's here with me
and that's all that matters
 
it's the smallest things sometimes that fill that empty space in your heart full of love
i love this
right now
right here
and everything else 
doesn't matter
anymore


i needed this tonight
i needed to see what was out there
i needed to something to make me feel good again
i needed something that would make me walk away for good...



:)


i just realized i've wasted the last 3 years of my life
on someone who isn't very loving, who isn't ever there when it really matters, and who doesn't really care to treat me like he wants to keep me around. all he does is say the same thing over and over but he doesn't SHOW it. he's never shown it until he thinks he's losing me. and now he has. i've been trying to work with someone who doesn't work with me at all...
he makes sure to tell me a bunch of crap about love and bullshit but look at who's here with me now. not him... he's never there when he should be if he wanted to make this better - he wouldn't have left it the way he did. i don't love him anymore. i don't like him. someone else can have him. see how long they put up with his stupid idiotic bullshit excuses and minimal effort. all that matters to him is him and i have no desire to be with someone as selfish and unloving. 

 

the lonliest man that will ever be

i loved you
but
you
were
never
really there
you will be alone
the loneliest man
that ever was
and will ever be
just wait and see...

hazy dark blue
drip
drips
of
stuff 
stale
made to rust
rust
just like
the ugly
feel left
from lust
you like to paint
as a picture of love
when it fits your fill
and when it doesn't
you don't care

if i remain
down where
you always left me
out on the outs
of your living
with so many
i will never know
i will never meet
i've been kept low
to hide on the 
 pitch black side
of the fold
the dark side of cold
drips drops that echo
an orphans cry
to the deaf ears
and a blind sky
you let it go by
bye bye
apart from
and
not a part of 
everything else
that i am not invited to by you
 tonight when i kiss the ideas of love
and the you that isn't you  
goodbye bad bye
i ask you why
i ask you why
would i feel your love
when your love
was never loving to me?
 let's not pretend that you try
cause you barely do much of any thing
that doesn't serve you first
and you ultimately

that you don't have to say
that you show more than love
and more than you know

go -now
       i go

when i listen to that music

it makes me cry
i remember a younger self
i remember
the way i used to feel
there was something magical
then
it feels like yesterday
but it was so long ago now
i only feel moments of that now
quickly fleeting
pushed out by something cheap
and bitter
and ugly
i want to go back
to that time
and that feeling
of wonder
of the unknown
and love
the feeling that love was actually possible
someday with someone
to love who loves me
a young heart believes
in such great foolish things 
that no adult has the heart for
anymore
that music brings me back
even if only for a second -which is gone
before this sentence is

find colors between

the fold
the split
the shadow
the sides
left and right
black and white
east and west
day and night
sun and moon
dark and light
black and white
i sometimes
forget
to blend the two
between
i shift all one way
and become that side
until that side
becomes too much
of me
that i flip a switch
completely around
and shift to the
opposite side
where i hide
for as long as i can
until i am
 sick of that side now too
back and forth
flip flop
trip hop

start and stop
between the two sides of me
i live in the split
of dualities
buff out
erase
away
the line
that cuts me off
from me
in the middle of it
is where i would like to be

I want to live. And I can't when I'm with you

U can lose me
U pretty much have already
U can say how hard it is
U can argue about my feelings
Tell me blue is orange
When everyone around me sees blue too
U can not call me all day
Not even bother trying to talk to me
After you made me mess of my heart the day before
You can not care enough to really do something to repair the damage
But instead act like texting me sorry
Then acting like everything's okay makes it all go away
You can stay a child
As long as you want
As long as the ones around you enable you to ruin and you don't have to think about what your actions and how they affect people and relationships
You can ignore the writing on the wall
Or the words that fall from my mouth and make up your own ideas and beliefs and hear what you want to hear
I'm starting to think you believe what you want and what you want isn't what's happening.
You run around the same track
Forever if you want
You can hit repeat on your tongue
You try and make me be there with you over and over again
But I'm not going to be there
I don't like the stick
Of this stuck
You're sticking me in
Cause you're there
I won't be anywhere
Near this again
That's stupid if I do the same thing over with you.
It's stupid that you don't see that you do it too.
This is the end of the end
And the beginning of a new start

 
"Baby's Arms" Kurt Vile

I won't be mean

But I won't deal with you
In any capacity
Ever
Again.

;)

"Tell me lies later come and see me
I'll be around for awhile.
I am lonely
But you can free me
All in the way that you smile"

;)

Don't think twice it's alright

You can be as cold as you need
You already are anyway
Doesn't matter when it doesn't matter
Anymore
Any less
Don't need me more of a mess
In an already messy me
Get over yourself
I like the good in you
But the bad makes what I like disappear
Unsafe
Unsure
And unclear
No one could get close to you like that
No one would want to feel your cold air
Or worry about what you
You are today
And if it flips again tomorrow
Be open
Let people in
Let it be
For whoever comes your way from now on

Sigh

I'd like to think that this world isn't as cold or as lonely as it sometimes feels...
But that's how it feels right now
I don't know...
I'm turning off my computer
And my phone
For the rest of however long I feel
Bye

march 3rd- i can't write for shit

spent saturday night
in a hotel
with you
-
crazy as that sounds
it used to inspire
something
adventures
and moments
that made me love
and made me feel good

but now
it doesn't excite
or inspire
it doesn't make me
feel like i can move mountains
or conquer the world
with my love
cause i don't feel the love
anymore
like once before
you kept us down

there's no movement
there's no growth
there's no life
cause this isn't loving
and this isn't living
cause you and i aren't in love anymore
i love you
and i care about you
enough to let you go

i don't want to see you ruined
i'd rather feel you
in love so crazy so wild
i'd rather go mad from love
than insane from
existing and watching our love as it goes away
fades away
that is the worst thing
i could ever imagine
the one thing i would never want
to go through
set it on fire
watch it burn
while it's still up in flames
we turn
and run away

never watch it die
never fade away

blah

Sun morning

I begin to forget
Wasted words
To draw me in
You had me even before
Now
Not at all
As daylight breaks in
I
Am
Gone