Noise, noise, and exhaustion.

Dark, dusty flowers roughly fight a small, dead cigarette.
Where is the old street?
Shrink quietly like a dark window
Misty, fast streets calmly buy a dry, noisy light.
Talk calmly like a small jackhammer.
Why does the corner walk?
is anything really new?
Noise, noise, and exhaustion.
the night is addicted to you

Noise, noise, and exhaustion.
Noise, noise, and exhaustion.

never hustle a girl

in the high spaces where the birds call 

found in the broken pulse of time 

bubble cloud air and water mixed 

drought wilted jungle 

listen, quiet, still 

mare's tail, cat's tail 

gasoline 

white flesh 

dust

nothing between her 

drying paint on native skin 

blood becomes timebomb

her eyes on green wave

diffuse fog

hyenas cry in the trees 

orange beak and claw 

sun 

monsoon 

evening flights 

empty crossings 

green 

time claims its victory now  

each is made of dust

trapped in  the constellations 

the dead and green leaves clutter 

vultures waiting for the rust 

stars 

rainstorms 

formless scud 

 

albatross dying 

snake scales lapping snake scales 

transportation for the dead

 

cloud 

feathers 

fingers, arms 

she is turning to stone 

a woman in the branches 

if she falls

faith, desolation, and life.
Noise, exhaustion, and death

 

hot electric storm afternoon 

 

Some people are just assholes

And it breaks my heart
But I can't give them
Any more
Cause they use it and spit it out
And treat others like nothing
So don't come crying to me later
You've destroyed all the good
That I gave you
So many times that I'm giving it to someone else.
You hurt me tonight more than ever.
I thought you would actually be better this time but
You are
Stupid
And never learn
I'm going to do exactly what your behavior would make anyone do
And I don't Care if it hurts you.
You never cared if you hurt me
So I'll do the same
And when you write
I'll just ignore you
Cause you were never worth my time
No one will love you
Cause you're an asshole like so many assholes
So I'm going where I'm wanted and treated like I matter. This time you really fucked this up for good

ok

i see no solution
and i feel
like
everything is leaving
me
anyways

i can't do this
day in and day out
it hurts my heart too much
it makes me less than
a person
and i don't even care to keep trying to be one now

i leave it
like it's been left before

it's been fun writing this blog
but it's filled with a bunch of shit that reminds me
that this is not where i belong

take care

i'm bleeding all over my computer right now

the man who gives advice
yet hides behind a mask
or hides behind a computer screen
hides for a reason
an asshole shouldn't give advice on love or meeting girls
we have enough assholes
you're just another face in the crowd
of LAME

assholes in los angeles
are usually not from los angeles
and are originally from
some other state
they give LA a bad name
go take your shit
back home where
you belong

you're a liar

lies
that make you
a spineless
little
boy
too scared to face
me
too weak to say what's really going on
no balls
to say the truth
stammer a bunch of bullshit
until that's all that you are
you don't have the guts to be somebody
you're full of shit
and you play me for a fucking fool
when you're the one who's a tool
i know you're a liar
that's why you like to put it on me
but you're the liar
with no backbone to hold you up
if everyone else holding you up let's go
you wouldn't last a day
be a man
not a pussy
be somebody worth giving a shit about
be someone better
than what you are right now
cause right now
you make me want to vomit
at the sound of your voice
stammering out stupid excuses and lies
to cover up
the things you're too afraid to stand up for in public
yet in private behind closed doors still do
you don't "love" me if you're doing shit that you know you wouldn't like someone to do to you
you make me want to die
cause you won't die
in my life
you keep fucking with me
and showing up
and saying you're sorry
and saying you love me
then doing whatever you want
then ignoring me
then calling me crazy
then asking me over
then fucking me
the using me
then tossing me to the side
then making some excuse as to why you can't be in my life
then ignoring me to the point where i start to move on
then finding me
then hunting me down
only to repeat over and over again
you won't leave me alone
and you take advantage of the fact that i love you
i only let you back in my life so many times cause i loved you
but now
you're fucked
and fucked alone
cause i don't care
how much you cry and try
after it's too late
you make up your mind
to be a dickhead when i needed you
when i was hurting
so you better be able to take what you dish out
cause caring about you
was a waste of time
really...
you are a waste of time
this is the beginning of my life without bullshit like you getting in the way
 

#2 just shave your head already

  comb-overs, how sad
that man looks like a zebra
sir, your head is striped

#1 taste that fucker? my bitter bite

Miserable fiend
Where have you taken my hope?
I really hate you.

stale cigrettes and coffee

infecting whole groups
marches the path to change
something new to discover
please keep it that way
we roar in life
listen to it hum
rejected thoughts and feelings
that change into hard ways
down a path to the great divide
terrorists, bad friends
they always offer
to give lessons
sometimes hidden behind 
a shadow of doubt or dislike
stale cigarettes and coffee
paint a muted color picture
stuck in static 
a shaken moment
in a dull late afternoon
we are the faded faces  
that refrain 
from real
restricted rehearsed removed
ready to drown
ready to strangle life 
ready to choke  heart
endless insomnia
within empty chambers
my eyeballs bleed
we fly around 
til one comes out
chasing the rabbit 
reminds me of something else
Cosmic mystery
Unknowable enigma
blood stains on the carpet
junk emerges from its tin
it's bad medicine
that will save us all
a croaking ghost -
a skeleton dreams of light -
supernatural, dark
a morning eye -
a skeleton may know of death -
dawn, dawn
Under the cover of death 
the spirits speak, 
In the streets of words 
the leaves sleep, 
Under the cover of desire 
the leaves turn,  
Beneath the surface of longing 
the memories breathe,  
On the bed 
of imagination 
the poets mourn,  
Beyond this moment 
of longing  
dreamers speak,  
In the dreams of time
 the waves vanish, 
In the moonless darkness of Winter
 where young ones wander, 
In the air of tears 
the insects fade
Frozen Word taunts me
No escaping this Window
How will I write now?  
how will i write now?

 

death don't seem so bad

cornered
cut off
cut down
c u
never again
whatever gets you through the night
whatever gets your through this life
whatever until
every thing is used up
everything has been done and
tried
and used before
and your options
well there ain't no more
pushed up against the wall
no one to break your fall
this time
you're
i'm fucked
we're fucked for good

sometimes
it's time
to put up the white flag
surrender
throw up  your hands
throw in the towel
step down
step aside
retire
resign
fold

sometimes the best thing to do is to
give up

i don't have anything else to write
you have made me

this way

 

yeah my hands are shakin'

make a bunch of excuses
up
and pour out
of your insides
inside out
you are
i am
invisible
to your heart right now
want to make me
make you disappear forever?
well you're doing a fine job so far
on your own
make up some lies
cover up some tracks
in your head it makes up for
all that lacks
but the cloud your head is stuck in
is too thick
you can hardly see
the real world through
you don't know how it feels to be handed
a bunch of bullshit on a platter
time and time again
cause my feelings to you don't matter
you show it
and show it
time and time
and time
again
soon you won't be somebody to me
soon you won't even be somebody that once was
you're making me make you into nothing
you're making me erase you from my brain
for good
the only way for me
to stay sane
to stay somewhat sane
after the fucked up shit you put me through
after all the bullshit that makes up you
clean up
wash away
take out the trash
disinfect
the parts you  infected
affected
effected 
  i got no more room
to house
a life sucker
little fucker like you

i piss you goodbye
and watch as i flush you down
where you belong

 

It doesn't matter

Slow hand
Shifts
Into
The last hour
I can't let you see
What u have done to me.
I go for the
Vein
And watch
The red
Fall over my eyes
Don't wait for it
Just take it in and let it out.
You were a mistake
That brought me to the
End
I want you to learn
What you do isn't right
You don't love me
I want you to know that you don't know what love is.
Slow hand isn't so slow
And the light
Comes into my head
Like a rush of air
Turned upside down
The end Is always near
To be without fear
That the one you love
Will just hurt you again

Until we meet again as cats.
Goodbye.

Lol

Self awareness will do you some good. Cause the only way to make you be better is to push you away to leave me alone. When I tell you you're hurting me you just keep doing it.
Ok you need some help.
I'm going to be with people who are better and more wise than you. You taught me a lesson on what I never want again.

Tonight

Tonight
After all of this
Im leaving
you
Behind
I'm going to accept love
And leave the excuses and waste if times where they belong.
Down
Below
Just gone.
The good loving caring people are the ones I want.
Not you
No way. You deserve what you are.
And I want you erased from my memory for good. Cause what I'm left with isn't even worth remembering.
Tonight I'm going to be around love and love more cause I am a reflection of my surroundings.
Anything that has to do with you
Doesn't exist
So I'll be on my way
This is where you end and I begin.

Another thing

I wasn't talking shit
Everything I wrote was true.
Now it's too late
I can feel that's it gone.

Back on track

830am morning detox yoga with Aimee for one hour
Chakra Meditation for 45 min
Now it's 11 am and I feel wonderful and ready to startup day.
;)
I think late night adventures mixed with morning yoga and meditation have made me remember the good things and everything else falls behind

Certain things just are not important to me anymore.

never again

i spent the last two years involved with someone who was the worst kind of manipulator and user i've ever dealt with.
basically i spent the last year thinking i was the crazy one because he was so good at pointing fingers, judging my behavior, obsessing over my actions etc. just to avoid dealing with himself. i allowed it cause i was really trying to make it work for the majority of the "relationship"
what i see clearly now is he got involved with me - knowing my situation and how i was still living with an ex. we both continued to see each other and we both allowed it to develop into something much deeper and much more intimate. the more serious we became with each other the more i tried to make what started as unhealthy - healthy. i brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends. i shared other parts of my life with him and tried to include him into my life because of how special he was to me. he didn't do any of that in return. even with knowing how important it was to our relationship and how much better we would be in the long run... he never let me in. he always kept me away from the rest of his life yet had to know every aspect of mine. when i would express how his actions made me feel he would always have some excuse to justify why he couldn't give back what he could so easily take. this is when i began to feel rejected and unimportant... and not good enough. i didn't feel that way going into the relationship... i felt this way as a direct result of his behavior towards me. then it became this relationship where he would expect so much from me sexually when he needed or wanted me... but would fight me and never give even a little bit of what i needed in return.  i'm sorry but that would make any sane person go crazy after awhile. the worst part is that he would keep saying "i love you" and showing me mixed signals. the more i wanted to just be a part of his life the more he made me feel like i had done something to not deserve that. i started feeling like it was my fault he was scared to bring me around.
what a crock of shit
he made this whole thing become so shitty
and so one sided
that i felt alone
and when i would express my feelings
he would turn them into my issues.
he would only point out my problems. he diagnosed me and began treating me as if i had a disorder. still without looking or changing anything within himself. he started using his diagnosis of me as a reason why he needed space and blah blah blah.
ALL OF THIS SHIT HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF
ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT HE MANIPULATED ME INTO BELIEVING WAS MY FAULT CAUSE I'M THE CRAZY ONE.
now that he's not in my life... and i see things more clearly... i see how insane he is.
this is how he was even before i started camming... but camming was just another excuse to put all the blame on me.
why would i want to be with someone who's in such denial?
clearly he's the crazy one. 
cause anyone with a heart and a mind would see that all this bad shit was made so much worse because of him. he really needs to get some psychological help. i just wanted to finally get all this shit off my chest.
after 2 years of dealing with zack - it's nice dealing with people who are normal and sane. i will never let someone who's bat-shit crazy tell me i'm the one who's crazy. ha...
goodbye