i don't care to see you anymore

I've always been around
now I'm going away
i need to be away
from you
I'm lost tonight.
so fucking lost.
i feel so alone
but i know this is the only way for right now.
in the comforts of my bathroom
the only place i feel safe
the only room with lock on the door
i run the water of the bathtub
i listen
i start to cry
the sound of water speaks to me
in times like these
it's all i have and all i know when i need to escape
and even though
I'm a mess right now inside my heart
for some reason
i know i will be okay
--- without you -- i will be fine
i don't feel you with me anymore
i don't think you ever really were
not really anyways...
now less than ever
i just know that having you be this way again
has done something to me
i see you differently now
the way i feel about you has changed

i belong to no one

ugh... american idol... and a milkshake...
i'd like to forget about him. i don't even want to talk about my feelings anymore.
i don't think i have any sometimes... not real ones anyways.
i'd like to.
i'd like to be like all the rest of the stupid bitches
i'm a stupid bitch sometimes
but not like you
or you...
i think i'm the worst kind of stupid bitch there is... it consumes me at the worst times... like in the middle of american idol.. and a milkshake.
i could be a stupid bitch like you... again...
i could jump beds and bodies..
and show my cunt to the world...
you'd like my cunt wouldn't you ? ???...
ha...
if i only could be that way again
I'd fuck them all
I'd fuck them with grace
I'd fuck them hard over
and in between all the fucks I'd sit back and laugh...

last night i waited at the bus stop
just to see that i was right.
and he is what he is

just as much of a liar as i am... if not more.

i think more...
he only hides it better than i do.
he hides it well.
he believe it well..
and i don't really care anymore...

i just wanted the satisfaction of knowing that he's just as much of a piece of shit
as he says i am.

the sweetest of the sweet - a memory of we

in you room
on your bed
i am driven to write
in the early hours of morning
i find myself in love with you
you sit in the chair that sits between
your desk and me
you dig through your many tapes of sound art and soul
a record of time and creation
you shuffle through the collected pieces of you
you start
press play/ stop/fast foward/ play
stop turn over
play once more.
i can't help but watch and enjoy
as you enjoy remember excite
i listen as you shuffle through
PLAY
stop play
....... NOISE
a sound attack in the very best way
the sound of the devil and god leap out from the tiny speaker of your ancient machine.
i can feel your fire
i am so in love with you
--- ...yes but something about you and us
and we - leaves me uneasy
a feeling i can't seem to shake
feeling with and without at the same time
i listen to your songs
and continue to write
pen and paper and breath is all i got right now







stop fast foward
collected pieces of you

“I’m losing you” – john lennon

Here in some stranger's room
Late in the afternoon
What am I doing here at all?
Ain't no doubt about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Somehow the wires got crossed
Communication's lost
Can't even get you on the telephone
Just got to shout about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Well, here in the valley of indecision
I don't know what to do
I feel you slipping away
I feel you slipping away
I'm losing you
I'm losing you

Well now, you say you're not getting enough
But I remind you of all that bad, bad, bad stuff
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Just put a bandaid on it?
And stop the bleeding now
Stop the bleeding now

I'm losing you
I'm losing you
Well, well, well

I know I hurt you then
But hell, that was way back when
Well, do you still have to carry that cross? (drop it)
Don't want to hear about it
I'm losing you
I'm losing you
Don't want to lose you now
Welllllllll!
So long ago

And the love that I feel … is so far away

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 and the love that i feel is so far away Current mood: exhausted i don't ever want to feel like this again. ugh.... i just don't know how to be a person i don't like the feel of my skin i don't like the sound of my voice or what comes out. it's not natural. it's not really me. in me there's so much love. but i don't love myself. i don't know how to love myself. i hate myself inside. and i'm slipping again... like before. i didn't learn a thing. i'm just so stupid... i feel so used. all that i can do is walk away right now. and stay away this time for good. 10:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

i wish i was dead

never felt like this
you don't want me anymore
i don't even want me
is this me?
who am i?
love has me in pieces
in places in pieces
so many some have faded to dust
into dust
like our love
you fade too
if you knew
what i knew inside
maybe you could see what i see
and feel what i feel
but you
only know you
and i fall down as i listen to you speak
saying the words that break me ever more
i am broken fragments on the floor
step and crush and stomp all over me
please
until i am no more
i don't want to be with this
all i wanted was you
all i ever wanted was you
your love
i had
but now for me
you don't feel the same
like you had before
you change quickly and
i'm left without
i don't want to be
don't care to be
don't care
don't care
want out
want dead
i wish i were dead

somebody i use to love