yeah my hands are shakin'

make a bunch of excuses
up
and pour out
of your insides
inside out
you are
i am
invisible
to your heart right now
want to make me
make you disappear forever?
well you're doing a fine job so far
on your own
make up some lies
cover up some tracks
in your head it makes up for
all that lacks
but the cloud your head is stuck in
is too thick
you can hardly see
the real world through
you don't know how it feels to be handed
a bunch of bullshit on a platter
time and time again
cause my feelings to you don't matter
you show it
and show it
time and time
and time
again
soon you won't be somebody to me
soon you won't even be somebody that once was
you're making me make you into nothing
you're making me erase you from my brain
for good
the only way for me
to stay sane
to stay somewhat sane
after the fucked up shit you put me through
after all the bullshit that makes up you
clean up
wash away
take out the trash
disinfect
the parts you  infected
affected
effected 
  i got no more room
to house
a life sucker
little fucker like you

i piss you goodbye
and watch as i flush you down
where you belong

 

It doesn't matter

Slow hand
Shifts
Into
The last hour
I can't let you see
What u have done to me.
I go for the
Vein
And watch
The red
Fall over my eyes
Don't wait for it
Just take it in and let it out.
You were a mistake
That brought me to the
End
I want you to learn
What you do isn't right
You don't love me
I want you to know that you don't know what love is.
Slow hand isn't so slow
And the light
Comes into my head
Like a rush of air
Turned upside down
The end Is always near
To be without fear
That the one you love
Will just hurt you again

Until we meet again as cats.
Goodbye.

Lol

Self awareness will do you some good. Cause the only way to make you be better is to push you away to leave me alone. When I tell you you're hurting me you just keep doing it.
Ok you need some help.
I'm going to be with people who are better and more wise than you. You taught me a lesson on what I never want again.

Tonight

Tonight
After all of this
Im leaving
you
Behind
I'm going to accept love
And leave the excuses and waste if times where they belong.
Down
Below
Just gone.
The good loving caring people are the ones I want.
Not you
No way. You deserve what you are.
And I want you erased from my memory for good. Cause what I'm left with isn't even worth remembering.
Tonight I'm going to be around love and love more cause I am a reflection of my surroundings.
Anything that has to do with you
Doesn't exist
So I'll be on my way
This is where you end and I begin.

Another thing

I wasn't talking shit
Everything I wrote was true.
Now it's too late
I can feel that's it gone.

Back on track

830am morning detox yoga with Aimee for one hour
Chakra Meditation for 45 min
Now it's 11 am and I feel wonderful and ready to startup day.
;)
I think late night adventures mixed with morning yoga and meditation have made me remember the good things and everything else falls behind

Certain things just are not important to me anymore.

never again

i spent the last two years involved with someone who was the worst kind of manipulator and user i've ever dealt with.
basically i spent the last year thinking i was the crazy one because he was so good at pointing fingers, judging my behavior, obsessing over my actions etc. just to avoid dealing with himself. i allowed it cause i was really trying to make it work for the majority of the "relationship"
what i see clearly now is he got involved with me - knowing my situation and how i was still living with an ex. we both continued to see each other and we both allowed it to develop into something much deeper and much more intimate. the more serious we became with each other the more i tried to make what started as unhealthy - healthy. i brought him into my life and introduced him to my friends. i shared other parts of my life with him and tried to include him into my life because of how special he was to me. he didn't do any of that in return. even with knowing how important it was to our relationship and how much better we would be in the long run... he never let me in. he always kept me away from the rest of his life yet had to know every aspect of mine. when i would express how his actions made me feel he would always have some excuse to justify why he couldn't give back what he could so easily take. this is when i began to feel rejected and unimportant... and not good enough. i didn't feel that way going into the relationship... i felt this way as a direct result of his behavior towards me. then it became this relationship where he would expect so much from me sexually when he needed or wanted me... but would fight me and never give even a little bit of what i needed in return.  i'm sorry but that would make any sane person go crazy after awhile. the worst part is that he would keep saying "i love you" and showing me mixed signals. the more i wanted to just be a part of his life the more he made me feel like i had done something to not deserve that. i started feeling like it was my fault he was scared to bring me around.
what a crock of shit
he made this whole thing become so shitty
and so one sided
that i felt alone
and when i would express my feelings
he would turn them into my issues.
he would only point out my problems. he diagnosed me and began treating me as if i had a disorder. still without looking or changing anything within himself. he started using his diagnosis of me as a reason why he needed space and blah blah blah.
ALL OF THIS SHIT HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF
ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT HE MANIPULATED ME INTO BELIEVING WAS MY FAULT CAUSE I'M THE CRAZY ONE.
now that he's not in my life... and i see things more clearly... i see how insane he is.
this is how he was even before i started camming... but camming was just another excuse to put all the blame on me.
why would i want to be with someone who's in such denial?
clearly he's the crazy one. 
cause anyone with a heart and a mind would see that all this bad shit was made so much worse because of him. he really needs to get some psychological help. i just wanted to finally get all this shit off my chest.
after 2 years of dealing with zack - it's nice dealing with people who are normal and sane. i will never let someone who's bat-shit crazy tell me i'm the one who's crazy. ha...
goodbye