whore it up and don't give a fuck

whore it up

don't give a fuck

until you find something worth giving a fuck about

...

sigh...

wait ...

imagine just came on the radio

and it makes me want to cry

cause all i wanted was to be a part of something 

all i wanted was to be important enough to you

but it's not you

it's not even love

if it's like this

it's not you 

it's him and him and especially 

the big man who started it all

who started me anyways

he's the one i'm wanting to be important enough to

he's the one who started this feeling inside me

but i'm the one who will end it 

cause you...

you were just a painful reminder

of what i lack

and what i will always yearn for 

even with the best therapy and years of treatment

ha!

you were just a filler to keep me feeling the empty and the rejection

cause i feed off the hurt and the pain that never stops
i feed off the hurt and the pain that hasn't killed me.... yet

cause you know it is bound to get to anyone

the missing and the empty is bound to take over

the shit is gonna get to me someday

i can only take what i can take for so long

-- and what that means to me is not some morbid cry for help

i won't kill myself now 

i'm too old for that shit

but when the shit hits the fan

and too much is too much

 a part of me won't be alive 

like before 

and that 

is okay 

it has to be okay

i make it okay by escaping in many

i won't cry today

now i am okay

cause you can't fuck with 

something and expect it to not fuck back 

so for now

i will deal with my hurt and pain and blah blah blah

by fucking everything in site

and that means sexx

cause at least that's something i can do

right 

and do without giving a fuck

if it ain't you

whore it up baby

cause it's the only way 

it's the only way

until you find a better way 

drive to get lost somewhere with you

you know how much i crave you…
so much i devour you and
spit pieces of you out
and all over
me 
i am covered in you 
just to leave you
and disappear as i do
just to leave you 
with the memory 
and the smell 
of me 
until the next time
we meet 
in back seats
in secret spaces 
and in dark alleys again

twenty-two years ago today... :(

haven't been writing
haven't felt like it much
but today it's been 22 years
and i miss you
like the little girl in me would
i hold on to the way life was back then
cause in many ways it was the last bit of
pure and true goodness
inside me
and that i can remember

22 years
how does that time go by without a thought
without the idea that time even exists
until it's already gone
i miss you
i will go visit you
in the place
where you now forever will sleep
i will bring food and have a picnic
i will bring me as i was back then
and the letters i had written to you when you left
now long ago
the letters i stopped writing
all this
now a lifetime ago
since i've seen you
a part of me forgets
i miss you...
i love you.
you were the only one to keep the rest of together
now everything else has faded
and is more gone
than you.
i feel
you
i miss you

doesn't it make you wonder?

why i'm so okay with letting you go?
i don't think it's hit you yet...
but everything you show me has been nothing much
and so that's what i'm left with
i'm writing this before i go
thought of you because someone else had mentioned your name (they weren't even talking about you)
but i thought this would be a nice farewell
in words
written
cold
you should know what that
feels like
already
goodbye