two eyes staring cold in silence - we fade to grey

i don't think about you very much
when i do it's usually a reminder of how bad our relationship was
cause it was
last night was the first time in months where thinking about you and us made me sad
i was thinking about the magic and the good feelings we had between us -
i was holding on to only particles
the little itsy bitsy broken pieces of good we had
that now feels cheap. even if it felt good and true to me then - knowing how you are and how you've been to me makes it all seem false now.
holding on to anything that has to do with you - is a waste of time now
cause keeping me it's not important to you 
and keeping you is definitely not important to me 
there's no need to even say goodbye this time
it's spent
it's dull
it's juiced
it's faded away past recognition 
it's dead
and i don't care anymore


______________________________________________________


       

i won't let you in

not this time

i can't 

not anymore

i am scared of what being close to you

will do to me

i am scared

of you

i keep you a distance away from my heart

and my love

you won't get inside this time

many times i let you in 

you had me

you had me and you trashed me

not once

not twice

more times than i can count

more times than i can forget

more times 

now no more

- you want in again

but i keep you where you don't matter much

i keep you where you belong - and that place is not with me

i can't love you like i did

i won't ever love you like that again

it's too late 

i won't ever let you in again 

I TOLD YOU WHEN I CAME I WAS A STRANGER

 

 

i hear your voice - calling my name

i was good
i was so good
now i don't know
why?
why do i hear you
why do i hear you now?
i hear you calling
calling me
calling my name
calling me now...
close to writing
close to writing you
i almost did
i had to stop
i couldn't
i couldn't hear your voice
i couldn't speak your name
i couldn't think
i couldn't have you think
i didn't want to have anything to do with you
i didn't want any part
haunting
lingering
kissing
shadowing
dangling

if you come i'll listen
i'll come
if you're there
i'll be
there...
but you've gone
and i know
i feel it gone
somehow
i know
it's gone
but
lately i wish it would return
lately
i wish
it was here
again
don't be a stranger
to me
don't be sometone
i can't really remember
don't be something i soon will forget


please
i miss you
i almost wrote you tonight
almost
in drunken breathe
but not false words

i miss your good
i miss your love
if only that were what was
i love you if that were it
it
love
was
good
it
was
yes
i hear you
your voice
calling my name
better call it now
or don't
or else
it may be gone
it will be
gone
please call
or write
or forever
ever
for
we
will
be
gone...

ten years

there is no one 
now

i feel the space 
in the same clutter 
i've carried around for years
in a different place
but i feel the missing
i feel the shadows of 
the strangers i use to know
all i have 
are just some jumbled memories
all in pieces
fall in pieces

pieces in my mind
comes out of darkness
sometimes from the music
sometimes in a smell
i can remember pieces of the past
puts me right back to where i was at that moment
only for a moment  

only for a feeling 
associations remain

in bits of my life then 
now 
long gone


feels so long ago

went by so fast
now i am left with the ghost
of things 
of time
and the feelings that linger
some things i long for
some things i wish never to return

some things i wish never went away
some things i regret
i didn't know then
i know less now
and who i am changes more
the more time passes

i am alone again
alone now with years
and memories
that make me feel more alone than ever
i long for the love
i let go
i wasn't ready for

i long for the love 
that i let die
only now can i see how careless i was

and it makes me sad
when i think of all the things that are gone
some gone for good
people that have left me
people that have left the world
if i only knew then
how special it all was
if i only knew then
what i had...
---  maybe

in days to come 
i will know what i have
when i have it

people are careless
i see how careless i am


after it's gone 
i see how careless i've been


the last ten years of my life

was a whole other life time
the last ten years 
now come to its end



where i came from
where i've been is so far from me now
it is time to start a new

where i'm going? 

i won't know until i get there
sometimes i only know once i've gone 

alone with the pieces 
waiting around the corner


for something to begin again

time on my side

it took some time to get over the sad part of breaking up.  now it's been a little while and i've had time to think about everything.  i've had time to go out and self destruct. i even ran into a few of your friends which was good and bad but helpful. one of your friends told me how you bring anything and everything and have been fucking like crazy. that part i could care less about cause we're not together anymore. what really hurt (but i knew deep down) is how you've been fucking the one person i trusted. she even talked to me like she gave a shit. people fuck up in relationships. it's the nature of them but you have never been faithful or good to anyone really. you wondered why i was get so mad at you --- it's because you never really acted like a boyfriend. we were together and you would just do things that made it so hard to like you as a person. i felt disrespected - lied to - unimportant and i always felt like i couldn't trust you. you are not someone i can trust. you cheat and you lie and you have demons far more dangerous than i think you realize and way too destructive for anyone to ever really be with you. you acted as though you were sooooo good and i was the one that treated you like shit. i loved you and you trashed my heart and my good and i have nothing good to keep from our "relationship" breaking up with you was the best decision i ever made. i just wish i never wasted time with you to begin with. what we had wasn't good. you are not made to be the monogamous type. you can't just be friends with anyone either. you can't help it but i feel really relieved that i don't have to deal with you anymore. yup... the end .

all is lost - eh

 do you see me? 

do you even care

you left me broken hearted 

i belong nowhere--

the end of it all 

the end of my days

the end of my love

in nowhere nothing stays

you have your fun in numbers

too many you've loved in vain

now i know i'm one of the many

the rows of tracks that line your train

but i am nowhere near you now

soon i won't think of you no more

but you will miss the love i gave you

when you are with a new whore