ten years

there is no one 
now

i feel the space 
in the same clutter 
i've carried around for years
in a different place
but i feel the missing
i feel the shadows of 
the strangers i use to know
all i have 
are just some jumbled memories
all in pieces
fall in pieces

pieces in my mind
comes out of darkness
sometimes from the music
sometimes in a smell
i can remember pieces of the past
puts me right back to where i was at that moment
only for a moment  

only for a feeling 
associations remain

in bits of my life then 
now 
long gone


feels so long ago

went by so fast
now i am left with the ghost
of things 
of time
and the feelings that linger
some things i long for
some things i wish never to return

some things i wish never went away
some things i regret
i didn't know then
i know less now
and who i am changes more
the more time passes

i am alone again
alone now with years
and memories
that make me feel more alone than ever
i long for the love
i let go
i wasn't ready for

i long for the love 
that i let die
only now can i see how careless i was

and it makes me sad
when i think of all the things that are gone
some gone for good
people that have left me
people that have left the world
if i only knew then
how special it all was
if i only knew then
what i had...
---  maybe

in days to come 
i will know what i have
when i have it

people are careless
i see how careless i am


after it's gone 
i see how careless i've been


the last ten years of my life

was a whole other life time
the last ten years 
now come to its end



where i came from
where i've been is so far from me now
it is time to start a new

where i'm going? 

i won't know until i get there
sometimes i only know once i've gone 

alone with the pieces 
waiting around the corner


for something to begin again

time on my side

it took some time to get over the sad part of breaking up.  now it's been a little while and i've had time to think about everything.  i've had time to go out and self destruct. i even ran into a few of your friends which was good and bad but helpful. one of your friends told me how you bring anything and everything and have been fucking like crazy. that part i could care less about cause we're not together anymore. what really hurt (but i knew deep down) is how you've been fucking the one person i trusted. she even talked to me like she gave a shit. people fuck up in relationships. it's the nature of them but you have never been faithful or good to anyone really. you wondered why i was get so mad at you --- it's because you never really acted like a boyfriend. we were together and you would just do things that made it so hard to like you as a person. i felt disrespected - lied to - unimportant and i always felt like i couldn't trust you. you are not someone i can trust. you cheat and you lie and you have demons far more dangerous than i think you realize and way too destructive for anyone to ever really be with you. you acted as though you were sooooo good and i was the one that treated you like shit. i loved you and you trashed my heart and my good and i have nothing good to keep from our "relationship" breaking up with you was the best decision i ever made. i just wish i never wasted time with you to begin with. what we had wasn't good. you are not made to be the monogamous type. you can't just be friends with anyone either. you can't help it but i feel really relieved that i don't have to deal with you anymore. yup... the end .

all is lost - eh

 do you see me? 

do you even care

you left me broken hearted 

i belong nowhere--

the end of it all 

the end of my days

the end of my love

in nowhere nothing stays

you have your fun in numbers

too many you've loved in vain

now i know i'm one of the many

the rows of tracks that line your train

but i am nowhere near you now

soon i won't think of you no more

but you will miss the love i gave you

when you are with a new whore 

i'm a fuck up

you don't try
and that makes me feel lower than scum
you don't try or care like you once did...
i miss that desire in you
i miss the attention
i miss you wanting me.
i am not as cold
i am not as distant-
there's no reason to be that way
but you are
maybe because i've always been there
wanting you
giving you the attention
i've always been there when you have come and gone
and come back around again

you've always had me
you don't know what it's like to not have me
i know how little you try
how little patience you have if any
you hurt me too
and i've been there
--- i feel like a piece of shit with how you treat me
i'm a fuck up but
i'd rather spend my time somewhere else
bang bang baby
goodbye

moving on...

 

 

there won't be a next time... cause i got nothin' left anymore

you left this today
and i'm not going to stop you
i've tried all i can try
but i can't make you be more loving
or understanding right now.
right now you are not and when you are not
you forget who i am and
you forget that i mean something more to you
and that i deserve a little more now
i deserve patience -
i talk to you
i tell you how i feel
but you treat me as if i don't
and as if i'm careless and mean.
escaping is what you love to do
i've been bitten by you way too many times
and stuck through with you
you act as if i am just a bitch for no reason
you make it seem like you do nothing wrong
i've had enough
this time i'm okay with you leaving
i won't ask you back
i won't say sorry
you made that choice
it's for the better.
goodbye

you keep the devil between us

got fucked up
and passed out
that's the same excuse i hear
everyday that is what you did the night before
that is why you didn't the night before
that is why you weren't the night before
that is why you can skip out on
being there
being present
being a part of helping our relationship
instead of hurting it
like you're hurting me
-
what keeps me

i don't know